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When you’re really drunk and I’m sober, you kind of annoy me. But when you’re really drunk, you talk dirty, which I like.

What do you mean you weren’t wearing a condom?!?

“Where’s your favorite place to be kissed?” I asked.
“My dick,” he said.

Him: Sometimes I wish I was bi, because I feel like I’m missing out on so much.

I put a “dick spell” on you.

He said, “Your cock is beautiful, huge and thick. No wonder why your wife wants to fuck you all the time.”

“Are you a top or a bottom?”
(Asked after the guy just topped him.)