“Wow. Based on the amount of wine you brought and your oracular feats, I’m pretty sure you’re an alcoholic sex worker.”

“One day you are gonna be up in your loft-penthouse, staring into your enormous fish tank full of exotic tropical fish, and you are gonna be the saddest, loneliest man,” she said.
“Thanks,” he said.
“Gosh, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I just said that…Was that a little harsh?” she said
“Define ‘harsh’,” he said.

“I like you because because your long hair makes you feel like a girl,” she said.

“Why did he get cookies and I didn’t?”
“Underperformers don’t get cookies.”